Day Ninety-two

Persistence will get you there eventually. I'm hoping the saying is true; it gets worse before it gets better. When I started this blog three months ago, I really thought things were looking up for me. My income was on the rise and my potential was limitless. Now, I'm not sure how much further I can sink. My resources are exhausted. I'm completely depending on a power greater than myself to shake things up and make something unbelievable come to pass in my life financially. I know it's possible because it's already occurred in my life where my relationship is concerned. Greatness is just around the corner. I'm sure of it.

Day Ninety-one

Never give up hope. Healing is a process. It takes time. There may be times when I feel like a complete loser, but there are times when I'm on top of the world as well. Wealth isn't defined by my bank account, neither is my personal worth.

Day Ninety

Time to get back with the program. I came down with a terrible head cold on Thursday and was unable to put two thoughts together for a couple of days. My brain tends to have a mind of its own sometimes. Financial strategies are not all this blog is about. Lately, I've been becoming increasingly aware of how interrelated various areas of life really are. Inner attitudes and beliefs leak out in every endeavor we undertake. Even if I received a billion dollars tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it if my attitude is pitiful and beliefs are undeserving. The converse is also true. Even when I only have ten dollars to my name, I can still enjoy my life and absolute abundance when my attitudes and beliefs are loving and affirming.

I've heard it said: "Attitude determines altitude." I don't believe that's true. I think if my attitude soars, my altitude is no longer significant. 

Day Eighty-nine

They say it's always darkest before dawn. They say to suck it up and carry on. They say seasons will soon change into spring. They say there is an end to suffering. They say the tunnel fills with rays of light. They say to win you must keep up the fight. But I say I don't care; I'm not going anywhere. I say I'll stay right here; I won't give in to fear. I say I'll do it my way, and even if day never breaks, I'll still do whatever it takes.  I say I'll dance right through the storm and sing in the rain as it rages on. I say I might just float away. The creme rises to the top, or so they say.

Day Eighty-eight

Writing is a lot of hard work. It requires focus and concentration, two things my brain is not keen on at the moment. Life is a blur. My mind is lost in a haze of numbness and fatigue. I started a new blog today about addiction. I just got home from a women's retreat and was inspired to share. I hope to be able to reach out and bring the life-saving message of recovery to other struggling women. It's something I can do that requires no start-up costs, other than my time and mental fortitude, which is why I'm so depleted now. I'll try to be more on top of things tomorrow.

Day Eighty-seven

My needs are met with exceeding abundance. It's not too much for me to believe I can receive blessings beyond my wildest imagination. The more grateful I am for what I already have, the more I will be given the deepest desires of my heart, which all boil down to my longing to be a blessing to someone else. 

Day Eighty-six

The fourth annual women's retreat is this weekend. I managed to get a full scholarship to be able to go. I wish I were more excited about it. My brain hasn't been in a very good head space for a long time now. I'm still hoping I'll eventually find a decent medication that bring me around to feeling normal again, not normal according to everyone else, normal for me. I'm leaving in an hour, so I guess I'd better finish getting ready. I'm driving the carpool, so it's not like anyone will leave without me, but I don't want to keep everyone else waiting either.

Day Eighty-five

I've spent most of my life rejecting the gifts I've been given. My talent is not good enough; no one appreciates it; there is no value in what I have to offer the world. Writing comes easily to me, naturally even; therefore, I take it for granted.

I squander my time searching for an elusive something else, something more meaningful, something others will desire from me. I've tried to capitalize on worthwhile skills: the ability to manipulate numbers and technology with engineering sciences, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt drained and dead inside.

I ran away from my dreams in frustration and fear to a proverbial desert, a place of needless struggle and suffering, only to be drawn back again to the written word. I still care about compensation; I still want to be rewarded for my insights and thought-provoking contributions. I want to be admired and praised.

However, even if I receive not a single accolade in this lifetime, I will continue to write; I will continue to sing; I will not hide from my gifts any longer because they are what comprise me. When I focus on expressing myself through poems and songs, I come alive on the inside.

No longer will I allow my financial obligations to run my life. It might sound irresponsible of me to say so; I have been horribly afraid to say so because my mind has been thoroughly conditioned to believe I need to be responsible above all else, even if it costs me my soul.

Day Eighty-four

Affirmations are a substantial part of my mental retraining program. I am an eccentric billionaire, so I can wear whatever I want. I can be free of the good opinion of others because I love my life just the way it is. I am able to purchase anything I want, yet I lack for nothing; so there is nothing I yearn to buy. Life is amazing, and it just keeps getting better every single day. My boyfriend is the most amazing person on the face of the planet, and he chooses to be with me, so I must be pretty darn amazing too. My personal and professional goals will all come to pass because I believe in them, have them written down, and review them regularly. I live as though I already have everything I'm working toward. I send love out into the universe, and the universe showers me with love and blessings in return.

Day Eighty-three

Gratitude is the foundation upon which all true wealth is built.

Day Eighty-two

Investing sounds like an ominous path toward riches. Every book I've read about finances touts the importance of compound interest. It's a bit frustrating for me because I'm already 42 and have ten dollars to my name. If I had been able to begin investing at 20, I'd have a nice little nest egg already brewing. However, I spent ten years married to a man who spent significantly more money than he earned. Our debt compiled by the day.

Once we divorced, I spent the next ten years trying to get back on my feet. I went back to school and managed to obtain intermittent employment. Whenever I had a job, I would tithe, save as much as I could, and spend the rest on my necessary expenses. However, I would often find myself unemployed again, as I am now, and my savings would get depleted in a relative short period of time. It's a good thing I saved as much as I did when I could or I'd really be in a world of hurt right now.

Hopefully, the next ten years will be filled with seizing financial opportunities and learning how to invest money wisely. Educating my daughters to make wise investment decisions is the best gift I can possibly give them. They are quickly approaching the 20-year-old mark, and I don't want them to miss their chances at accumulating massive wealth. Wise strategies are invaluable. 

Day Eighty-one

Am I worth it? All people have the same intrinsic value, priceless. I believe we all suffer and struggle in different areas, but no one person is any better, or any worse, or any more or less deserving of love, hope, and happiness. And yet, if I really believe equality for all to be true,  why do I hold a devalued opinion of myself? Was my upbringing really so debasing that I now believe I am the one person alive on the planet who is unworthy of occupying space here? Maybe so, but it is my choice to challenge what I believe and replace the fear with a new sentiment. I am worth a billion dollars. I am worth much more than a billion dollars to those who love and appreciate me. Receiving financial abundance isn’t dependent upon my worth at all; it’s dependent on my ability to be responsible with what is entrusted to me.

Day Eighty

There are times when all I want to do is pack it all up and run away. It's been said that you can't run away from your past, but I sure would like the chance to start over again with a clean slate. I realize the road I traveled is how I got to where I am, and there are parts of my life I wouldn't want to change for anything. And yet, walking away from my life as I know it is an attractive temptation. No matter where I go, I'm still there. It's not my present life I struggle with, it's all the baggage; I'm tired of lugging it around. I want to let go and move on. Is there enough money in this world to purchase a second chance?

Day Seventy-nine

Medication sucks. I don't know why I'm torturing myself. There has to be a better way to overcome depression and anxiety. My brain is completely fried, my emotions are numb, and nothing matters. Life cannot be lived with passion when the dial is set to lukewarm. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Tis nobler to suffer outrageous fortune or to shut down and close out the sun.

Day Seventy-eight

Good ideas occur at times; however, unless they are acted upon, they remain nothing more than ideas. Action is required to get any kind of a result. There is no way to guarantee our results will be as good as the ideas seemed to be at the time, but they will be results none the less. Any result, good or bad, is better than not taking any action at all.

Day Seventy-seven

Concentrating on my circumstances has become debilitating. I will not live in fear. I will not worry. I will trust. I will have faith. I will believe. I've been brain-washed. My entire life, I've been conditioned to feel like a loser. I've been humiliated and made fun of, ostracized and rejected, and told I'll never amount to anything. It was never said overtly; worse, it was reenforced continually through my daily interactions with other people.

My solution? I just won't have anything to do with other people any more than I absolutely have to. I'll find someone who wants sex with me enough to take care of me for the rest of my life while I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself. It seemed like a good plan at first. I essentially became a sex slave to the man I married; I did everything he wanted me to, as much as I could, until it drove me crazy to see how horribly I failed and fell short of his expectations.

Now I'm in recovery. I'm trying to change, to become a better person. I'm stepping out of my cave, the dark hiding place I relied upon to keep me safe and sheltered from the world, one little step at a time. I can see the old patterns repeating, but I don't have to give in to them anymore. I can do one thing differently this time. I can turn off the TV and put away the laundry. I can recognize the mounting anxiety and choose to speak a positive confession aloud. I might still feel the fear, but I don't have to let it rule me anymore.

I'm beginning to take charge of my own brain-washing now. I will convince myself that I am a billionaire; therefore, anything is possible for me. I'm turning to other people for help. I can't overcome my fear on my own. I've tried it that way before and it doesn't work. But if I can get enough people to encourage me, to back me up and to stand in my corner, then maybe I won't have to feel so afraid anymore.

Day Seventy-six

Sharing is caring. Believing is receiving. Giving is living. I was able to do all three tonight. It makes me feel magnificent to realize how much I care about the other people in my recovery fellowship. I still struggle with receive their appreciation, but I do believe they genuinely care about me just as I care for them. I was also able to give the gift of listening to someone who needed to share with me. I was thinking about others ahead of myself, wanting to be available, longing to be a blessing, seeking opportunities to be of service. Reaching out and connecting with other people over a common purpose is a better experience than anything money can buy. 

Day Seventy-five

Beliefs are my biggest barrier. I believe I could do a lot of great things for people all over the world if I just had the financial resources to do so. However, I also believe I am not a very resourceful person; I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to do. I have no clarity regarding how to improve my life. I've just been taking small steps, trying to clear out the garbage I've allowed to pile up in my head all of these years. I am young. I am strong. I am confident, and I am love. Now I just have to go out and live like it and trust that everything else will fall into place and be as it is meant to be.

Day Seventy-four

Finally, I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I don't need a job to make me happy, to enforce accountability, or to make me worthy of love. I do need a source of income so I can pay my bills and support myself financially, but my job, or lack thereof, does not define me. I am an awesome person with big dreams and big goals, and I look forward to seeing them fulfilled as I live out the rest of my journey. 

Day Seventy-three

Life is full of ups and downs, or maybe my life is the only one that occasionally rises only to send me plummeting back to the earth at break-neck speeds. I've often heard life get compared to a roller-coaster, unexpected twists and turns, getting tossed around like a rag doll, but my life seems to be more like a magicians stage, full of illusion-casting mirrors and secret trap doors. I don't know which step I take is going to cause me to fall through the floor again, which causes me to live in a continuous state of heightened anxiety.

It's been over two months now since I started writing this blog. In the past sixty days I've lost my job, been taken to the emergency room via ambulance, and had horrible accusations made against me and against my boyfriend that couldn't be further from the truth. I suffer from enough shit that is actually wrong with me; I don't need anyone piling a bunch of fabricated shit on top of it.

Maybe things have to get worse before they can get better. When I started my blog, everything was going great. I had lofty goals. I was striving for high ambitions. I was hopeful and truly expected good things to begin manifesting in my life. This has not been the case.

I wish I could report that I've received a windfall of money, or at least that I'm on my way toward a billion-dollar income, but that's not the case. I'm worse off now than I was when I started. I had over a thousand dollars saved up; now, I'm down to my last ten bucks. I don't know how I'm supposed to expect things to ever turn around from here. I only know that they will.

Day Seventy-two

If I should die tomorrow, there's nothing I would take, but I'd leave love and memories behind in my wake. If I should be so lucky to see the morning light, I would dedicate my day to doing what is right. Today I didn't do so well, felt sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will concentrate on blessing someone else. But if somehow I don't awake from deep slumbering ways, I'll carry on within your heart for the rest of your days.

Mortality is haunting me for some reason tonight. I'd like to just throw in the towel, don't want to stay and fight. If I could only somehow solve all the problems I have, I might be more encouraged instead of feeling so bad. Money's no solution; it's not my higher power. What I need is faith to get me through another hour. I will not get discouraged, nor will I be dismayed for I'm blessed with abundance right now and for always.

Day Seventy-one

The world doesn't always work the way we think it should. Some people bust their butts to earn minimum wage while others are slackers with six-figure incomes. Life isn't easy, and it sure the heck isn't fair. Human existence is paradoxical. We have an extensive ability to love and create; and yet, creation necessitates destruction and our most well-meaning actions often cause the most harm.

Do I dare strive to buck the system? Do I dare challenge myself to give more than I believe I can possibly channel? Do I just give up and say fuck the world, it's a hopeless case anyway? There is no alternative to doing, giving, loving, and living the best way I possibly can. If my best intentions aren't good enough, I pray they at least do more good than harm. I can't control the outcome. I can only control my attitude, and that's enough for me.

Day Seventy

Challenging. I allowed my life circumstances to become challenging, almost too challenging for me to bear. What a crazy, horrible, challenging, and life-affirming week it has been. I thought I was going to be able to continue posting over the weekend while I was away on a retreat. It didn't work out that way. Instead, a traumatic event occurred that sent me reeling and unable to hold two positive thoughts together let alone to write a complete thought about victory and financial success.

The details are private, but my boyfriend and I were significantly attacked by our subsequent ex-spouses. There was immense emotional fallout as a result. My children were frightened and psychologically damaged in the process, which is enough on its own to cause any mother to become extremely defensive. And, I'm still struggling to assemble the shattered remnants of my personal life.

Professionally, I'll continue to advance. My progress may be slow and arduous, but I believe I will be able to stay on course so long as I keep my goals before me and focus, with clear and concentrated effort, on the direction of my dreams. I am overflowing with abundance. I am exceptionally generous with my words, with my goodness, and with my financial and intellectual resources. I am strong. I am light. I am confident. I am love.

Day Sixty-nine

If I could go back and start over, knowing then what I know now, I would do it in a heartbeat. But guess what? I don't have to go back. I get to start over again every morning. Each day is a brand new chance for me to start over knowing now what I know now, and I get to keep learning so I know even more each morning than I did the day before. I certainly wouldn't want to go back needing to re-learn what I've already learned the hard way; going through those lessons once was enough. Now, I get to move on into new lessons, and they get to be as fun or as challenging as I choose to perceive them to be.

Day Sixty-eight

Money is a mental construct. I have exactly as much money as I think I deserve, which is nothing, or at least, nearly nothing. I'm tired of believing I don't deserve anything more than barely scraping by. I used to blame God for my circumstances. I thought He promised to take care of me, but He's not obligated to give me anything more than I absolutely need. The truth is, God wants to give me overflowing abundance; I just need to be willing to be responsible for taking care of it, managing it, and stewarding it to the best of my ability. The only limitations to my financial abundance are my own limiting beliefs about what money is and about how much of it I deserve to have.

Day Sixty-seven

There's a hidden talent I hold to my chest. It's not anything special; it's only my best. I give the little tiny bit, the one small piece I have, but when holiness blesses it, I get much more back. When I leave my hiding place and let my presence shine, my contribution's multiplied and is no longer mine. The universe leaks life into my simple, humble seed; abundance flows forth from the sprout to meet my every need. The billion dollars I receive fails even to compare with all the riches I perceive through the lens of love I share.  

Day Sixty-six

It's got to make a mother proud, but it also makes me feel like a total schmuck at the same time. All four of my girls are working now. The eldest is at a grocery store. The next has two retail jobs and just put in her two weeks notice at a fast food chain. My third daughter has signed with a modeling agency; she is incredibly beautiful and photogenic. Even my twelve-year-old is getting paid to walk the neighbor's dog. And here I am, sick and unemployed. Better things lay ahead, but my patience is really wearing thin.

Day Sixty-five

A major paradigm shift has me focusing all of my attention on the gratitude I feel for everything I already have. I love my boyfriend so much, and I have four awesome daughters who are smart, sweet, and beautiful. What more could a woman want than to have the love and respect of her family? A billion dollars, that's what. I'll get there. Everything's starting to fall into place, and I'm enjoying every step of the journey along the way.

Day Sixty-four

I'm afraid to have money and financial success. It seems to me like "the more money we come across, the more problems we see," to quote an old '90s song. The more my earning increases, the more my expenses increase right along with it. The more money I have, the more other people expect of me, and I can't live up to their expectations now.

I keep sabotaging my own success every time I begin to make something of myself because I start to panic. When I have enough income to meet all of my needs and expenses, I freak out. I feel like something has gone horribly wrong because I'm actually doing a good job, but it's not good enough by my standards. I'm better off doing nothing than to make a complete fool of myself by trying to actually get somewhere in life.

This type of an attitude is bound to keep me stuck. I'm familiar with poverty. I pride myself on being able to get by on nothing. A poor, miserable failure is my personal identity. Who would I be if I had money? Would I be like the selfish, rich snobs I see on TV? Would I be shallow and vain like most celebrities seem to be? Or would I actually be able to make a positive difference in the world by extending hope and resources to those who are hurting? My preference would be the latter. I just need to be able to convince my mind that it's okay for me to be a billionaire.

Day Sixty-three

"Money makes you more of what you are," Anthony Robbins said in an interview I saw on YouTube today. If his statement is true, what does that make me? As I grow and increase financially, how will my character be magnified? Will I be more fearful, or will I be more loving? Will I be more selfish, or will I be more generous? When I last had an income, I bought clothes for myself and for my children. However, I also bought gifts and meals for others, sometimes anonymously. I often found myself regretting purchases I made for myself, but I've never regretted spending money on other people. Be careful; if you get around me, you're gonna get blessed.

Day Sixty-two

Those who have been hurt much love much because they don't want anyone else to suffer, or, they don't love at all because they want everyone else to suffer. It's up to the individual to decide which direction to go. Only the former will make them happy. The latter will make them miserable. Some people want to be miserable. I am not one of those people. I want the pain to stop. I know money won't make me happy like some wonder drug, but maybe I would be able to quit feeling so bad about myself all the time if I could do more to help other people.

Day Sixty-one

Every day is another chance to begin again, to start over with a clean slate, to decide what you want your day to hold, to work toward becoming the person you were meant to be. Just as every seed holds the intention of becoming a certain type of plant, so every embryo holds the potential of becoming a certain type of person. However, unlike a plant, we get to choose what type of person we will become.

There may be factors outside of our control: our height, our gender (though this one's changing), the color of our skin. But who we are on the inside is completely up to us. I choose to be a billionaire on the inside, even if it never manifests on the outside. I choose to be kind, warm, loving, and generous. Showing forgiveness instead of holding a grudge, showing mercy instead of pronouncing blame or judgment, and showing concern instead of inflating one's own ego are all priceless beyond words.

Day Sixty

I'm wasting away. I've become isolated and disconnected from the world. The only extension of my self is on the other end of my keyboard. I need to learn how to change that, how to incorporate other people into my life on a daily basis. Opportunity doesn't knock. It won't come looking for me; I have to go out and seek my fortune. I have to take the initiative. Opportunities present themselves in connection with other people. I need to start giving people a chance to influence my life instead of remaining closed up inside of my bubble.

Day Fifty-nine

Connection. What does money have to do with my ability to connect with other people? I keep telling myself I would be able to go out and do things with people if only I had a job and a steady source of income. When you're broke, every decision to drive somewhere to meet up with someone needs to be weighed against having enough gas for everything else. It's horribly depressing and frustrating.

However, it doesn't cost anything to make a phone call. I have hundreds of unused minutes on my cell phone plan each month. It's free to go for a walk, and I can walk to several local destinations. Maybe my lack of finances has nothing to do with my reclusive behavior. Maybe it's just a convenient excuse. Maybe if I was brave enough to connect with other people, I wouldn't have such a lack of financial stability. Maybe it's a cycle of fears and insecurities reinforcing each other.

Day Fifty-eight

Yesterday was terrible. I was horribly depressed all day. My head was in a fog. I couldn't see clearly or think clearly or hold two positive thoughts together consecutively. There was no way I could write. I didn't realize I hadn't posted the day before either. My boyfriend was having an off day and worked from home, so I was a bit distracted then as well.

There are many times I'm tempted to give up on this blog. No one reads it anyway. It's not doing any good for anyone. What's the point? It might be true; it might not do anyone else any good at the moment. However, I do believe it's doing me a great deal of good. It's teaching me experientially to be more disciplined and self-controlled. I'm constantly starting projects and then not following through on them. Continuing this blog is good practice for me, even if I don't end up earning a billion dollars with my contributions. But who knows, maybe I will someday if I keep at it and don't give up.

Day Fifty-seven

The wealthiest man to ever live said his riches were meaningless, a chasing after the wind. More is never enough. An insatiable longing remains regardless of the amount of money acquired. My point in asking the universe for a billion dollars is not an attempt to obtain more. I already have everything I need. I just don't feel like I have everything I need.

There is a rationale in the back of my mind whispering negative comments to me. It tries to convince me I'm not enough, that I don't have enough, to be a blessing to other people where I am. My hands feel tied because I lack the financial resources to support my own children let alone random strangers. A lie continually feeds my subconscious the line: "I will do better when..." when I know there is no time other than the present to do better with the resources of time and energy I do have. Now!

Day Fifty-six

Never give up. Even when it feels like you're trekking all uphill and like nothing you're doing is making any kind of a difference anyway, keep working toward the goals you have for yourself. You never know when you'll reach the tipping point. There is a magical, mysterious place when all of your efforts pay off with rewards beyond your wildest imagination if you'll just continue persistently pursuing the path of your destiny. Even if I never arrive at the destination I am seeking, I will press toward my destination with the firm belief that the journey is its own reward.

Day Fifty-five

My girls get me so distracted when they come over; I almost forgot to post again. We played two games of Uno this evening. It reminds me of when I played cards with my family when I was a kid. It's absolutely the best time ever.

I'm also beginning to adjust to my new medication. The doctor was able to get me something to help me deal with my anxiety. In a couple of weeks, I might actually start feeling well enough to get back to work again. Now, I just need to find a new job. I'm hoping to be able to start posting poetry videos on YouTube on Monday. It's my top priority. I'll post links to them once they are up and running. Thank you for your support.

Day Fifty-four

All of the wealth-building books I've been researching these past couple of months sound exactly the same. They all suggest investing, paying yourself first, and maintaining an emergency reserve. These recommendations are great for the average person who wants to be able to receive a decent retirement, put kids through college, and provide elderly care for parents by working a regular job and responsibly distributing income. The books, however, say nothing about doing something extraordinary and becoming a billionaire by having the courage to follow your dreams and pursue your life with passion. Maybe it's unrealistic of me to shoot for the stars, but it's more unrealistic for me to expect myself to be average.

Day Fifty-three

He is all I want. He is all I need. My boyfriend is so sweet, handsome, kind, and awesome; I am the luckiest, richest woman in the world. I never thought I would find someone as amazing as he is in a billion years. If I can get lucky in love like this, surely I can improve every other area of my life. If not, it doesn't matter because I am still one incredibly happy camper.

Day Fifty-two

What am I going to do? The refrain echoes through my head continuously. There's nothing I can do to earn a billion dollars in the next ten months. It's impossible in my own strength. I have to be patient and allow time to work in my favor. If I set out to get out, it doesn't matter where I go or where I end up so long as I get out and go somewhere and do something.

Day Fifty-one

Money isn't everything. Pardon the cliche, but money won't solve my problems. There is an abundance of wealth in the universe. I have access to whatever I need whenever I need it. Money comes and goes. It ebbs and flows. Still, I have difficulties and struggles I wrestle with on a daily basis, most of which have nothing to do with my income. I've been miserable when abaste and miserable while abounding. Money won't make me happy. It's just a tool, a tool for change to help improve the lives of others. If I focus on helping to improve the lives of others, the money will come to me to supply my needs.

Day Fifty

Nothing's ever going to change. It doesn't matter what I do; nothing's ever going to get any better anyway. What kind of an idiot thinks it's even possible to acquire a billion dollars anyway? It's only possible for major business tycoons and financial investors, not for an ordinary person like me. Who am I kidding? What makes me think anything positive will ever happen for me? I've had a shitty life. I've never had any direction or guidance or encouragement. What makes me think anything will ever be any different?

These are some of the negative thought patterns pounding through my head each day. How can I expect anything good to happen to me if I keep thinking I'm doomed to have a crappy life for the rest of my life? I need to start focusing on good, positive thoughts intentionally if I'm ever going to attract anything good and positive into my life. Intentionally is the key word here. I have to take the initiative and change what I'm thinking about INTENTIONALLY.

It's not going to just fall on me by accident. I have to choose to believe I can do whatever I need to do in life. I am loved unconditionally by the people who matter the most to me. I might fear failure; I might fear success, but I don't have to let the fear stop me or allow it to slow me down. I'm able to get along and play well with others. All of my needs are already met physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Who could want anything more from life?

Day Forty-nine

Blah! Blah! Blah! I'm on the rag and feeling blah! Regardless of how I feel, I need to do what I need to do. Keeping up with responsibilities can be so much work sometimes. Even when the responsibilities aren't necessarily a lot of hard work, just getting to them can be daunting.  I really need to quit missing posts. I don't want to get into a habit of slacking. My boyfriend just got back from Brazil, and we went to visit my mom and sisters for a couple of days. It was nice. Back to the grind tomorrow.

Day Forty-eight

Wow! What an awesome three days off. I'm so grateful for such a fantastic opportunity to get back in touch with my spiritual self and back on track with my destiny. On my birthday, I went down the street to the park, sat in the shade by the water, and listed all the things I would do if the impossible happened and I was suddenly given a billion dollars. If I'm going to live with a quiet expectation of abundant blessing, I sure as heck had better know what I'll do with it when it gets here.

Mostly, what I came up with was entrusting chunks of the money to other people. I have a few friends who are really resourceful who would really go to work putting the money to good use. I would put one of my friends in charge of distributing funds to women's shelters. There are unfortunately a lot of women stuck in abuse relationships who only stay there because they feel they have nowhere else to go. Many choose to stay because they are too emotionally damaged to be able to believe for something better, but many are just too afraid of losing their sole source of support. I know; I've been there before. I might have stayed in my first marriage if I didn't have a safe place to escape to with my mother, and my first marriage was not a safe place for me to be in.

Another friend is very active in the Seattle arts community. I would employ her to reach out in creative ways to help raise money for the community. She could organize concerts to benefit the local children's hospital, conduct charity auctions to distribute the work of local artists, and plan dance/dinner parties.

One of the most important improvements needed in Seattle, in my humble opinion, is public restrooms. I know it's difficult, and expensive, to avail the public of sanitary restrooms, but it would really go a long way in helping to promote tourism in our city. Transients tend to take advantage of them, and it's remarkably sad how little people clean up after themselves, but free public restrooms in a few strategic areas of the city would really go a long way toward servicing our visitors.

The key to managing a billion dollars is not to spend it all trying to take care of everyone myself but to use the money as a tool for getting other people involved in contributing to the causes they believe in. Fund raisers are essential. Even if I could fork over the cash to pay for all the improvements on my own, it wouldn't do a whole lot of good. People take pride in what they contribute to, what they help to get accomplished. I wouldn't want to rob other people of that sense of satisfaction you get knowing you did something to help make a difference. 

Day Forty-seven

There will be no blog posts for the next three days. I'm going on a spiritual retreat; I won't have any internet or cell phone service. Once I get my spiritual life lined up straight, my circumstances will fall in line. I will be capable of having and doing anything I'm truly passionate about experiencing in my reality. My relationships will flourish because I'm an awesome person who makes it my mission to cause other people to feel good about themselves. My finances will flourish because I long to share my talents and insights in ways that add significant value to the lives of others. My time will be well spent because I will be able to enjoy my life from the inside out; my joy and peace will be infectious to all those who are around me, and I will overflow with abundant love and compassion for those who are hurting and in need of someone who understands.

Day Forty-six

Another day has been lost. It's bound to happen from time to time. My girls are with me for the weekend, so my laptop tends to get monopolized. How am I ever going to make a billion dollars if my goals are aimed at minimum-wage jobs? Honestly, I don't know of anyone who's managed to become extraordinarily successful by working for someone else. I need to find a way to become the master of my own destiny. If I can offer the world a smidgen of the hope and encouragement it so desperately needs, then I will be successful beyond my wildest dreams. 

Day Forty-five

My first poetry book is finished. I have it printed as a PDF. Now, I just have to figure out how to get an ISBN for it so I can sell it on Amazon. I'm so excited. One down, three more to go. Then I can move on to organizing my three other files of poems. Once I get my books online, I can start doing poetry readings on my YouTube channel. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my website too and get it to go live by the end of the summer. Everything is finally beginning to fall into place.

Day Forty-four

If I'm ever going to be a billionaire, I need to learn to be my own advocate. I can't let anyone else push me around, control me, or cause me to live in fear. 

Day Forty-three

Every once in a while a great idea comes along that changes everything. Usually, however, it's the incremental changes we make each day that compose the biggest differences. I let myself off the hook today. I was tired, sore, and foggy headed, so I slept in. I allowed myself to not be on top of things because I had a few high-priority errands, which took precedence over my other daily chores.

My daughter came over for dinner tonight with her boyfriend. We cooked, ate, and played games all evening. It was an awesome time. Tomorrow, my boyfriend is flying to Brazil, so spending time with him before he leaves will supplant all else. However, once he leaves, I'll have nothing else to do all week but get work done. I'll have plenty of time; I just need to make the most of it.

Day Forty-two

Even though I want to focus on my writing at the moment, it would be good for me to have at least a part-time job to help cover expenses while I get my new business venture off the ground. I've put out several applications, but haven't done much to follow up on them just yet. I received a phone call from one of the places, but I felt very reluctant to call them back. It was a dread I can't quite articulate, as though working there would produce in me just as much anxiety as I had experienced at my last job. Today, I received a voicemail from another company about an open position, and I felt really excited about it. I'm going to call there tomorrow to schedule an interview. Sometimes, it's not always best to go with the first opportunity that comes along.

Day Forty-one

Baby steps. I don't expect to reach a billion dollars one dollar at a time. That would take forever. What I do expect to increase incrementally is my mind set. I need to prepare myself mentally to be able to receive a billion dollars and to be able to be a good steward of it. I'm responsible with the amount of money I have available to me now, but a billion dollars is a completely different level of responsibility.

Wrestling with personal and societal expectations is what I'm dealing with currently. Do I seek out another dead end, part-time, minimum wage job? I don't want to be limited to that type of employment for the rest of my life, so why should I go seeking it now? It's important to be able to meet my expenses. I know I'm taking a huge risk, hoping to support myself financially by selling poetry books and paintings. But if I want to achieve something I've never had, I need to be willing to do something I've never done.

Day Forty

If you want to run, run the right direction, toward your fears instead of away from them. Everyone wants to avoid pain; it’s the main driving force of human behavior. Becoming a billionaire, however, requires a willingness to go through that which most others would run away from.  Running away from your fears doesn’t require anything unique or special.

If you’re willing to run toward your fears, you’ll soon realize they have no substance. Your fears are merely the illusions your mind has convinced you are real. As you run toward them, they vaporize like the mist they are, and, as they dissolve, your path becomes unobstructed and you become free to receive the reward of the rare and heroic champion you are destined to be.

I’m clinging to the hope that my fears have no power over me. I’m reaching out, stepping out of my comfort zone, and taking a chance I normally would be too frightened to conceive of risking. I’ve suffered immense rejection. It’s not fun. Rejection is the core fear I’ve struggled with my entire life. And yet, as fate would have it, rejection is an inevitable reality I must endure if I am to become a published writer. I have to put myself out there for others to criticize and judge if there is to be any way for my writing to benefit anyone other than myself.

Is it frightening? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Day Thirty-nine

No such luck, I'm posting from the phone again. Limitations foil me, but I strike back deliberately, mocking the insanity at the core of my humanity. I really wish it were as cool, and as profitable, to be a poet as it is to be a computer programmer. If you don't know computers, what use does society have for you? I don't entertain or amuse; I write prose and interfuse obsession with profound ideas. I don't know why, but that's how it is.

Day Thirty-eight

Traveling to CA took everything out of me, and I have no wifi. I'll  have to hit Starbucks tomorrow.
 

Day Thirty-seven

Life is circular. Every time I try to run away from my problems, I end up right back where I started.  There is no escaping them. I can either learn from my mistakes and spiral upward, or, I can get caught up in a flurry of frustration and obstinate determination and get sucked into a downward spiral. 

Lately, I’ve been horribly sick. I caught a flu virus just as I was transitioning from working two part-time jobs while going to school to only working one job full-time. The resulting panic I felt from not getting enough hours and not being able to do a good enough job due to my illness made me even more sick. The worse I felt physically, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I became, the worse I felt physically. Giving myself permission to fail at work was the only way to pull out of this vicious cycle. Now, I finally have hope for improvement.