Concentrating on my circumstances has become debilitating. I will not live in fear. I will not worry. I will trust. I will have faith. I will believe. I've been brain-washed. My entire life, I've been conditioned to feel like a loser. I've been humiliated and made fun of, ostracized and rejected, and told I'll never amount to anything. It was never said overtly; worse, it was reenforced continually through my daily interactions with other people.
My solution? I just won't have anything to do with other people any more than I absolutely have to. I'll find someone who wants sex with me enough to take care of me for the rest of my life while I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself. It seemed like a good plan at first. I essentially became a sex slave to the man I married; I did everything he wanted me to, as much as I could, until it drove me crazy to see how horribly I failed and fell short of his expectations.
Now I'm in recovery. I'm trying to change, to become a better person. I'm stepping out of my cave, the dark hiding place I relied upon to keep me safe and sheltered from the world, one little step at a time. I can see the old patterns repeating, but I don't have to give in to them anymore. I can do one thing differently this time. I can turn off the TV and put away the laundry. I can recognize the mounting anxiety and choose to speak a positive confession aloud. I might still feel the fear, but I don't have to let it rule me anymore.
I'm beginning to take charge of my own brain-washing now. I will convince myself that I am a billionaire; therefore, anything is possible for me. I'm turning to other people for help. I can't overcome my fear on my own. I've tried it that way before and it doesn't work. But if I can get enough people to encourage me, to back me up and to stand in my corner, then maybe I won't have to feel so afraid anymore.
My solution? I just won't have anything to do with other people any more than I absolutely have to. I'll find someone who wants sex with me enough to take care of me for the rest of my life while I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself. It seemed like a good plan at first. I essentially became a sex slave to the man I married; I did everything he wanted me to, as much as I could, until it drove me crazy to see how horribly I failed and fell short of his expectations.
Now I'm in recovery. I'm trying to change, to become a better person. I'm stepping out of my cave, the dark hiding place I relied upon to keep me safe and sheltered from the world, one little step at a time. I can see the old patterns repeating, but I don't have to give in to them anymore. I can do one thing differently this time. I can turn off the TV and put away the laundry. I can recognize the mounting anxiety and choose to speak a positive confession aloud. I might still feel the fear, but I don't have to let it rule me anymore.
I'm beginning to take charge of my own brain-washing now. I will convince myself that I am a billionaire; therefore, anything is possible for me. I'm turning to other people for help. I can't overcome my fear on my own. I've tried it that way before and it doesn't work. But if I can get enough people to encourage me, to back me up and to stand in my corner, then maybe I won't have to feel so afraid anymore.
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