Day Ninety-two

Persistence will get you there eventually. I'm hoping the saying is true; it gets worse before it gets better. When I started this blog three months ago, I really thought things were looking up for me. My income was on the rise and my potential was limitless. Now, I'm not sure how much further I can sink. My resources are exhausted. I'm completely depending on a power greater than myself to shake things up and make something unbelievable come to pass in my life financially. I know it's possible because it's already occurred in my life where my relationship is concerned. Greatness is just around the corner. I'm sure of it.

Day Ninety-one

Never give up hope. Healing is a process. It takes time. There may be times when I feel like a complete loser, but there are times when I'm on top of the world as well. Wealth isn't defined by my bank account, neither is my personal worth.

Day Ninety

Time to get back with the program. I came down with a terrible head cold on Thursday and was unable to put two thoughts together for a couple of days. My brain tends to have a mind of its own sometimes. Financial strategies are not all this blog is about. Lately, I've been becoming increasingly aware of how interrelated various areas of life really are. Inner attitudes and beliefs leak out in every endeavor we undertake. Even if I received a billion dollars tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it if my attitude is pitiful and beliefs are undeserving. The converse is also true. Even when I only have ten dollars to my name, I can still enjoy my life and absolute abundance when my attitudes and beliefs are loving and affirming.

I've heard it said: "Attitude determines altitude." I don't believe that's true. I think if my attitude soars, my altitude is no longer significant. 

Day Eighty-nine

They say it's always darkest before dawn. They say to suck it up and carry on. They say seasons will soon change into spring. They say there is an end to suffering. They say the tunnel fills with rays of light. They say to win you must keep up the fight. But I say I don't care; I'm not going anywhere. I say I'll stay right here; I won't give in to fear. I say I'll do it my way, and even if day never breaks, I'll still do whatever it takes.  I say I'll dance right through the storm and sing in the rain as it rages on. I say I might just float away. The creme rises to the top, or so they say.

Day Eighty-eight

Writing is a lot of hard work. It requires focus and concentration, two things my brain is not keen on at the moment. Life is a blur. My mind is lost in a haze of numbness and fatigue. I started a new blog today about addiction. I just got home from a women's retreat and was inspired to share. I hope to be able to reach out and bring the life-saving message of recovery to other struggling women. It's something I can do that requires no start-up costs, other than my time and mental fortitude, which is why I'm so depleted now. I'll try to be more on top of things tomorrow.

Day Eighty-seven

My needs are met with exceeding abundance. It's not too much for me to believe I can receive blessings beyond my wildest imagination. The more grateful I am for what I already have, the more I will be given the deepest desires of my heart, which all boil down to my longing to be a blessing to someone else. 

Day Eighty-six

The fourth annual women's retreat is this weekend. I managed to get a full scholarship to be able to go. I wish I were more excited about it. My brain hasn't been in a very good head space for a long time now. I'm still hoping I'll eventually find a decent medication that bring me around to feeling normal again, not normal according to everyone else, normal for me. I'm leaving in an hour, so I guess I'd better finish getting ready. I'm driving the carpool, so it's not like anyone will leave without me, but I don't want to keep everyone else waiting either.

Day Eighty-five

I've spent most of my life rejecting the gifts I've been given. My talent is not good enough; no one appreciates it; there is no value in what I have to offer the world. Writing comes easily to me, naturally even; therefore, I take it for granted.

I squander my time searching for an elusive something else, something more meaningful, something others will desire from me. I've tried to capitalize on worthwhile skills: the ability to manipulate numbers and technology with engineering sciences, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt drained and dead inside.

I ran away from my dreams in frustration and fear to a proverbial desert, a place of needless struggle and suffering, only to be drawn back again to the written word. I still care about compensation; I still want to be rewarded for my insights and thought-provoking contributions. I want to be admired and praised.

However, even if I receive not a single accolade in this lifetime, I will continue to write; I will continue to sing; I will not hide from my gifts any longer because they are what comprise me. When I focus on expressing myself through poems and songs, I come alive on the inside.

No longer will I allow my financial obligations to run my life. It might sound irresponsible of me to say so; I have been horribly afraid to say so because my mind has been thoroughly conditioned to believe I need to be responsible above all else, even if it costs me my soul.

Day Eighty-four

Affirmations are a substantial part of my mental retraining program. I am an eccentric billionaire, so I can wear whatever I want. I can be free of the good opinion of others because I love my life just the way it is. I am able to purchase anything I want, yet I lack for nothing; so there is nothing I yearn to buy. Life is amazing, and it just keeps getting better every single day. My boyfriend is the most amazing person on the face of the planet, and he chooses to be with me, so I must be pretty darn amazing too. My personal and professional goals will all come to pass because I believe in them, have them written down, and review them regularly. I live as though I already have everything I'm working toward. I send love out into the universe, and the universe showers me with love and blessings in return.

Day Eighty-three

Gratitude is the foundation upon which all true wealth is built.

Day Eighty-two

Investing sounds like an ominous path toward riches. Every book I've read about finances touts the importance of compound interest. It's a bit frustrating for me because I'm already 42 and have ten dollars to my name. If I had been able to begin investing at 20, I'd have a nice little nest egg already brewing. However, I spent ten years married to a man who spent significantly more money than he earned. Our debt compiled by the day.

Once we divorced, I spent the next ten years trying to get back on my feet. I went back to school and managed to obtain intermittent employment. Whenever I had a job, I would tithe, save as much as I could, and spend the rest on my necessary expenses. However, I would often find myself unemployed again, as I am now, and my savings would get depleted in a relative short period of time. It's a good thing I saved as much as I did when I could or I'd really be in a world of hurt right now.

Hopefully, the next ten years will be filled with seizing financial opportunities and learning how to invest money wisely. Educating my daughters to make wise investment decisions is the best gift I can possibly give them. They are quickly approaching the 20-year-old mark, and I don't want them to miss their chances at accumulating massive wealth. Wise strategies are invaluable. 

Day Eighty-one

Am I worth it? All people have the same intrinsic value, priceless. I believe we all suffer and struggle in different areas, but no one person is any better, or any worse, or any more or less deserving of love, hope, and happiness. And yet, if I really believe equality for all to be true,  why do I hold a devalued opinion of myself? Was my upbringing really so debasing that I now believe I am the one person alive on the planet who is unworthy of occupying space here? Maybe so, but it is my choice to challenge what I believe and replace the fear with a new sentiment. I am worth a billion dollars. I am worth much more than a billion dollars to those who love and appreciate me. Receiving financial abundance isn’t dependent upon my worth at all; it’s dependent on my ability to be responsible with what is entrusted to me.

Day Eighty

There are times when all I want to do is pack it all up and run away. It's been said that you can't run away from your past, but I sure would like the chance to start over again with a clean slate. I realize the road I traveled is how I got to where I am, and there are parts of my life I wouldn't want to change for anything. And yet, walking away from my life as I know it is an attractive temptation. No matter where I go, I'm still there. It's not my present life I struggle with, it's all the baggage; I'm tired of lugging it around. I want to let go and move on. Is there enough money in this world to purchase a second chance?

Day Seventy-nine

Medication sucks. I don't know why I'm torturing myself. There has to be a better way to overcome depression and anxiety. My brain is completely fried, my emotions are numb, and nothing matters. Life cannot be lived with passion when the dial is set to lukewarm. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Tis nobler to suffer outrageous fortune or to shut down and close out the sun.

Day Seventy-eight

Good ideas occur at times; however, unless they are acted upon, they remain nothing more than ideas. Action is required to get any kind of a result. There is no way to guarantee our results will be as good as the ideas seemed to be at the time, but they will be results none the less. Any result, good or bad, is better than not taking any action at all.

Day Seventy-seven

Concentrating on my circumstances has become debilitating. I will not live in fear. I will not worry. I will trust. I will have faith. I will believe. I've been brain-washed. My entire life, I've been conditioned to feel like a loser. I've been humiliated and made fun of, ostracized and rejected, and told I'll never amount to anything. It was never said overtly; worse, it was reenforced continually through my daily interactions with other people.

My solution? I just won't have anything to do with other people any more than I absolutely have to. I'll find someone who wants sex with me enough to take care of me for the rest of my life while I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself. It seemed like a good plan at first. I essentially became a sex slave to the man I married; I did everything he wanted me to, as much as I could, until it drove me crazy to see how horribly I failed and fell short of his expectations.

Now I'm in recovery. I'm trying to change, to become a better person. I'm stepping out of my cave, the dark hiding place I relied upon to keep me safe and sheltered from the world, one little step at a time. I can see the old patterns repeating, but I don't have to give in to them anymore. I can do one thing differently this time. I can turn off the TV and put away the laundry. I can recognize the mounting anxiety and choose to speak a positive confession aloud. I might still feel the fear, but I don't have to let it rule me anymore.

I'm beginning to take charge of my own brain-washing now. I will convince myself that I am a billionaire; therefore, anything is possible for me. I'm turning to other people for help. I can't overcome my fear on my own. I've tried it that way before and it doesn't work. But if I can get enough people to encourage me, to back me up and to stand in my corner, then maybe I won't have to feel so afraid anymore.

Day Seventy-six

Sharing is caring. Believing is receiving. Giving is living. I was able to do all three tonight. It makes me feel magnificent to realize how much I care about the other people in my recovery fellowship. I still struggle with receive their appreciation, but I do believe they genuinely care about me just as I care for them. I was also able to give the gift of listening to someone who needed to share with me. I was thinking about others ahead of myself, wanting to be available, longing to be a blessing, seeking opportunities to be of service. Reaching out and connecting with other people over a common purpose is a better experience than anything money can buy. 

Day Seventy-five

Beliefs are my biggest barrier. I believe I could do a lot of great things for people all over the world if I just had the financial resources to do so. However, I also believe I am not a very resourceful person; I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to do. I have no clarity regarding how to improve my life. I've just been taking small steps, trying to clear out the garbage I've allowed to pile up in my head all of these years. I am young. I am strong. I am confident, and I am love. Now I just have to go out and live like it and trust that everything else will fall into place and be as it is meant to be.

Day Seventy-four

Finally, I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I don't need a job to make me happy, to enforce accountability, or to make me worthy of love. I do need a source of income so I can pay my bills and support myself financially, but my job, or lack thereof, does not define me. I am an awesome person with big dreams and big goals, and I look forward to seeing them fulfilled as I live out the rest of my journey. 

Day Seventy-three

Life is full of ups and downs, or maybe my life is the only one that occasionally rises only to send me plummeting back to the earth at break-neck speeds. I've often heard life get compared to a roller-coaster, unexpected twists and turns, getting tossed around like a rag doll, but my life seems to be more like a magicians stage, full of illusion-casting mirrors and secret trap doors. I don't know which step I take is going to cause me to fall through the floor again, which causes me to live in a continuous state of heightened anxiety.

It's been over two months now since I started writing this blog. In the past sixty days I've lost my job, been taken to the emergency room via ambulance, and had horrible accusations made against me and against my boyfriend that couldn't be further from the truth. I suffer from enough shit that is actually wrong with me; I don't need anyone piling a bunch of fabricated shit on top of it.

Maybe things have to get worse before they can get better. When I started my blog, everything was going great. I had lofty goals. I was striving for high ambitions. I was hopeful and truly expected good things to begin manifesting in my life. This has not been the case.

I wish I could report that I've received a windfall of money, or at least that I'm on my way toward a billion-dollar income, but that's not the case. I'm worse off now than I was when I started. I had over a thousand dollars saved up; now, I'm down to my last ten bucks. I don't know how I'm supposed to expect things to ever turn around from here. I only know that they will.

Day Seventy-two

If I should die tomorrow, there's nothing I would take, but I'd leave love and memories behind in my wake. If I should be so lucky to see the morning light, I would dedicate my day to doing what is right. Today I didn't do so well, felt sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will concentrate on blessing someone else. But if somehow I don't awake from deep slumbering ways, I'll carry on within your heart for the rest of your days.

Mortality is haunting me for some reason tonight. I'd like to just throw in the towel, don't want to stay and fight. If I could only somehow solve all the problems I have, I might be more encouraged instead of feeling so bad. Money's no solution; it's not my higher power. What I need is faith to get me through another hour. I will not get discouraged, nor will I be dismayed for I'm blessed with abundance right now and for always.

Day Seventy-one

The world doesn't always work the way we think it should. Some people bust their butts to earn minimum wage while others are slackers with six-figure incomes. Life isn't easy, and it sure the heck isn't fair. Human existence is paradoxical. We have an extensive ability to love and create; and yet, creation necessitates destruction and our most well-meaning actions often cause the most harm.

Do I dare strive to buck the system? Do I dare challenge myself to give more than I believe I can possibly channel? Do I just give up and say fuck the world, it's a hopeless case anyway? There is no alternative to doing, giving, loving, and living the best way I possibly can. If my best intentions aren't good enough, I pray they at least do more good than harm. I can't control the outcome. I can only control my attitude, and that's enough for me.

Day Seventy

Challenging. I allowed my life circumstances to become challenging, almost too challenging for me to bear. What a crazy, horrible, challenging, and life-affirming week it has been. I thought I was going to be able to continue posting over the weekend while I was away on a retreat. It didn't work out that way. Instead, a traumatic event occurred that sent me reeling and unable to hold two positive thoughts together let alone to write a complete thought about victory and financial success.

The details are private, but my boyfriend and I were significantly attacked by our subsequent ex-spouses. There was immense emotional fallout as a result. My children were frightened and psychologically damaged in the process, which is enough on its own to cause any mother to become extremely defensive. And, I'm still struggling to assemble the shattered remnants of my personal life.

Professionally, I'll continue to advance. My progress may be slow and arduous, but I believe I will be able to stay on course so long as I keep my goals before me and focus, with clear and concentrated effort, on the direction of my dreams. I am overflowing with abundance. I am exceptionally generous with my words, with my goodness, and with my financial and intellectual resources. I am strong. I am light. I am confident. I am love.