Day Sixty-nine

If I could go back and start over, knowing then what I know now, I would do it in a heartbeat. But guess what? I don't have to go back. I get to start over again every morning. Each day is a brand new chance for me to start over knowing now what I know now, and I get to keep learning so I know even more each morning than I did the day before. I certainly wouldn't want to go back needing to re-learn what I've already learned the hard way; going through those lessons once was enough. Now, I get to move on into new lessons, and they get to be as fun or as challenging as I choose to perceive them to be.

Day Sixty-eight

Money is a mental construct. I have exactly as much money as I think I deserve, which is nothing, or at least, nearly nothing. I'm tired of believing I don't deserve anything more than barely scraping by. I used to blame God for my circumstances. I thought He promised to take care of me, but He's not obligated to give me anything more than I absolutely need. The truth is, God wants to give me overflowing abundance; I just need to be willing to be responsible for taking care of it, managing it, and stewarding it to the best of my ability. The only limitations to my financial abundance are my own limiting beliefs about what money is and about how much of it I deserve to have.

Day Sixty-seven

There's a hidden talent I hold to my chest. It's not anything special; it's only my best. I give the little tiny bit, the one small piece I have, but when holiness blesses it, I get much more back. When I leave my hiding place and let my presence shine, my contribution's multiplied and is no longer mine. The universe leaks life into my simple, humble seed; abundance flows forth from the sprout to meet my every need. The billion dollars I receive fails even to compare with all the riches I perceive through the lens of love I share.  

Day Sixty-six

It's got to make a mother proud, but it also makes me feel like a total schmuck at the same time. All four of my girls are working now. The eldest is at a grocery store. The next has two retail jobs and just put in her two weeks notice at a fast food chain. My third daughter has signed with a modeling agency; she is incredibly beautiful and photogenic. Even my twelve-year-old is getting paid to walk the neighbor's dog. And here I am, sick and unemployed. Better things lay ahead, but my patience is really wearing thin.

Day Sixty-five

A major paradigm shift has me focusing all of my attention on the gratitude I feel for everything I already have. I love my boyfriend so much, and I have four awesome daughters who are smart, sweet, and beautiful. What more could a woman want than to have the love and respect of her family? A billion dollars, that's what. I'll get there. Everything's starting to fall into place, and I'm enjoying every step of the journey along the way.

Day Sixty-four

I'm afraid to have money and financial success. It seems to me like "the more money we come across, the more problems we see," to quote an old '90s song. The more my earning increases, the more my expenses increase right along with it. The more money I have, the more other people expect of me, and I can't live up to their expectations now.

I keep sabotaging my own success every time I begin to make something of myself because I start to panic. When I have enough income to meet all of my needs and expenses, I freak out. I feel like something has gone horribly wrong because I'm actually doing a good job, but it's not good enough by my standards. I'm better off doing nothing than to make a complete fool of myself by trying to actually get somewhere in life.

This type of an attitude is bound to keep me stuck. I'm familiar with poverty. I pride myself on being able to get by on nothing. A poor, miserable failure is my personal identity. Who would I be if I had money? Would I be like the selfish, rich snobs I see on TV? Would I be shallow and vain like most celebrities seem to be? Or would I actually be able to make a positive difference in the world by extending hope and resources to those who are hurting? My preference would be the latter. I just need to be able to convince my mind that it's okay for me to be a billionaire.

Day Sixty-three

"Money makes you more of what you are," Anthony Robbins said in an interview I saw on YouTube today. If his statement is true, what does that make me? As I grow and increase financially, how will my character be magnified? Will I be more fearful, or will I be more loving? Will I be more selfish, or will I be more generous? When I last had an income, I bought clothes for myself and for my children. However, I also bought gifts and meals for others, sometimes anonymously. I often found myself regretting purchases I made for myself, but I've never regretted spending money on other people. Be careful; if you get around me, you're gonna get blessed.

Day Sixty-two

Those who have been hurt much love much because they don't want anyone else to suffer, or, they don't love at all because they want everyone else to suffer. It's up to the individual to decide which direction to go. Only the former will make them happy. The latter will make them miserable. Some people want to be miserable. I am not one of those people. I want the pain to stop. I know money won't make me happy like some wonder drug, but maybe I would be able to quit feeling so bad about myself all the time if I could do more to help other people.

Day Sixty-one

Every day is another chance to begin again, to start over with a clean slate, to decide what you want your day to hold, to work toward becoming the person you were meant to be. Just as every seed holds the intention of becoming a certain type of plant, so every embryo holds the potential of becoming a certain type of person. However, unlike a plant, we get to choose what type of person we will become.

There may be factors outside of our control: our height, our gender (though this one's changing), the color of our skin. But who we are on the inside is completely up to us. I choose to be a billionaire on the inside, even if it never manifests on the outside. I choose to be kind, warm, loving, and generous. Showing forgiveness instead of holding a grudge, showing mercy instead of pronouncing blame or judgment, and showing concern instead of inflating one's own ego are all priceless beyond words.

Day Sixty

I'm wasting away. I've become isolated and disconnected from the world. The only extension of my self is on the other end of my keyboard. I need to learn how to change that, how to incorporate other people into my life on a daily basis. Opportunity doesn't knock. It won't come looking for me; I have to go out and seek my fortune. I have to take the initiative. Opportunities present themselves in connection with other people. I need to start giving people a chance to influence my life instead of remaining closed up inside of my bubble.

Day Fifty-nine

Connection. What does money have to do with my ability to connect with other people? I keep telling myself I would be able to go out and do things with people if only I had a job and a steady source of income. When you're broke, every decision to drive somewhere to meet up with someone needs to be weighed against having enough gas for everything else. It's horribly depressing and frustrating.

However, it doesn't cost anything to make a phone call. I have hundreds of unused minutes on my cell phone plan each month. It's free to go for a walk, and I can walk to several local destinations. Maybe my lack of finances has nothing to do with my reclusive behavior. Maybe it's just a convenient excuse. Maybe if I was brave enough to connect with other people, I wouldn't have such a lack of financial stability. Maybe it's a cycle of fears and insecurities reinforcing each other.

Day Fifty-eight

Yesterday was terrible. I was horribly depressed all day. My head was in a fog. I couldn't see clearly or think clearly or hold two positive thoughts together consecutively. There was no way I could write. I didn't realize I hadn't posted the day before either. My boyfriend was having an off day and worked from home, so I was a bit distracted then as well.

There are many times I'm tempted to give up on this blog. No one reads it anyway. It's not doing any good for anyone. What's the point? It might be true; it might not do anyone else any good at the moment. However, I do believe it's doing me a great deal of good. It's teaching me experientially to be more disciplined and self-controlled. I'm constantly starting projects and then not following through on them. Continuing this blog is good practice for me, even if I don't end up earning a billion dollars with my contributions. But who knows, maybe I will someday if I keep at it and don't give up.

Day Fifty-seven

The wealthiest man to ever live said his riches were meaningless, a chasing after the wind. More is never enough. An insatiable longing remains regardless of the amount of money acquired. My point in asking the universe for a billion dollars is not an attempt to obtain more. I already have everything I need. I just don't feel like I have everything I need.

There is a rationale in the back of my mind whispering negative comments to me. It tries to convince me I'm not enough, that I don't have enough, to be a blessing to other people where I am. My hands feel tied because I lack the financial resources to support my own children let alone random strangers. A lie continually feeds my subconscious the line: "I will do better when..." when I know there is no time other than the present to do better with the resources of time and energy I do have. Now!

Day Fifty-six

Never give up. Even when it feels like you're trekking all uphill and like nothing you're doing is making any kind of a difference anyway, keep working toward the goals you have for yourself. You never know when you'll reach the tipping point. There is a magical, mysterious place when all of your efforts pay off with rewards beyond your wildest imagination if you'll just continue persistently pursuing the path of your destiny. Even if I never arrive at the destination I am seeking, I will press toward my destination with the firm belief that the journey is its own reward.

Day Fifty-five

My girls get me so distracted when they come over; I almost forgot to post again. We played two games of Uno this evening. It reminds me of when I played cards with my family when I was a kid. It's absolutely the best time ever.

I'm also beginning to adjust to my new medication. The doctor was able to get me something to help me deal with my anxiety. In a couple of weeks, I might actually start feeling well enough to get back to work again. Now, I just need to find a new job. I'm hoping to be able to start posting poetry videos on YouTube on Monday. It's my top priority. I'll post links to them once they are up and running. Thank you for your support.

Day Fifty-four

All of the wealth-building books I've been researching these past couple of months sound exactly the same. They all suggest investing, paying yourself first, and maintaining an emergency reserve. These recommendations are great for the average person who wants to be able to receive a decent retirement, put kids through college, and provide elderly care for parents by working a regular job and responsibly distributing income. The books, however, say nothing about doing something extraordinary and becoming a billionaire by having the courage to follow your dreams and pursue your life with passion. Maybe it's unrealistic of me to shoot for the stars, but it's more unrealistic for me to expect myself to be average.

Day Fifty-three

He is all I want. He is all I need. My boyfriend is so sweet, handsome, kind, and awesome; I am the luckiest, richest woman in the world. I never thought I would find someone as amazing as he is in a billion years. If I can get lucky in love like this, surely I can improve every other area of my life. If not, it doesn't matter because I am still one incredibly happy camper.

Day Fifty-two

What am I going to do? The refrain echoes through my head continuously. There's nothing I can do to earn a billion dollars in the next ten months. It's impossible in my own strength. I have to be patient and allow time to work in my favor. If I set out to get out, it doesn't matter where I go or where I end up so long as I get out and go somewhere and do something.

Day Fifty-one

Money isn't everything. Pardon the cliche, but money won't solve my problems. There is an abundance of wealth in the universe. I have access to whatever I need whenever I need it. Money comes and goes. It ebbs and flows. Still, I have difficulties and struggles I wrestle with on a daily basis, most of which have nothing to do with my income. I've been miserable when abaste and miserable while abounding. Money won't make me happy. It's just a tool, a tool for change to help improve the lives of others. If I focus on helping to improve the lives of others, the money will come to me to supply my needs.

Day Fifty

Nothing's ever going to change. It doesn't matter what I do; nothing's ever going to get any better anyway. What kind of an idiot thinks it's even possible to acquire a billion dollars anyway? It's only possible for major business tycoons and financial investors, not for an ordinary person like me. Who am I kidding? What makes me think anything positive will ever happen for me? I've had a shitty life. I've never had any direction or guidance or encouragement. What makes me think anything will ever be any different?

These are some of the negative thought patterns pounding through my head each day. How can I expect anything good to happen to me if I keep thinking I'm doomed to have a crappy life for the rest of my life? I need to start focusing on good, positive thoughts intentionally if I'm ever going to attract anything good and positive into my life. Intentionally is the key word here. I have to take the initiative and change what I'm thinking about INTENTIONALLY.

It's not going to just fall on me by accident. I have to choose to believe I can do whatever I need to do in life. I am loved unconditionally by the people who matter the most to me. I might fear failure; I might fear success, but I don't have to let the fear stop me or allow it to slow me down. I'm able to get along and play well with others. All of my needs are already met physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Who could want anything more from life?

Day Forty-nine

Blah! Blah! Blah! I'm on the rag and feeling blah! Regardless of how I feel, I need to do what I need to do. Keeping up with responsibilities can be so much work sometimes. Even when the responsibilities aren't necessarily a lot of hard work, just getting to them can be daunting.  I really need to quit missing posts. I don't want to get into a habit of slacking. My boyfriend just got back from Brazil, and we went to visit my mom and sisters for a couple of days. It was nice. Back to the grind tomorrow.