Day Sixty-four

I'm afraid to have money and financial success. It seems to me like "the more money we come across, the more problems we see," to quote an old '90s song. The more my earning increases, the more my expenses increase right along with it. The more money I have, the more other people expect of me, and I can't live up to their expectations now.

I keep sabotaging my own success every time I begin to make something of myself because I start to panic. When I have enough income to meet all of my needs and expenses, I freak out. I feel like something has gone horribly wrong because I'm actually doing a good job, but it's not good enough by my standards. I'm better off doing nothing than to make a complete fool of myself by trying to actually get somewhere in life.

This type of an attitude is bound to keep me stuck. I'm familiar with poverty. I pride myself on being able to get by on nothing. A poor, miserable failure is my personal identity. Who would I be if I had money? Would I be like the selfish, rich snobs I see on TV? Would I be shallow and vain like most celebrities seem to be? Or would I actually be able to make a positive difference in the world by extending hope and resources to those who are hurting? My preference would be the latter. I just need to be able to convince my mind that it's okay for me to be a billionaire.