Day Forty-eight

Wow! What an awesome three days off. I'm so grateful for such a fantastic opportunity to get back in touch with my spiritual self and back on track with my destiny. On my birthday, I went down the street to the park, sat in the shade by the water, and listed all the things I would do if the impossible happened and I was suddenly given a billion dollars. If I'm going to live with a quiet expectation of abundant blessing, I sure as heck had better know what I'll do with it when it gets here.

Mostly, what I came up with was entrusting chunks of the money to other people. I have a few friends who are really resourceful who would really go to work putting the money to good use. I would put one of my friends in charge of distributing funds to women's shelters. There are unfortunately a lot of women stuck in abuse relationships who only stay there because they feel they have nowhere else to go. Many choose to stay because they are too emotionally damaged to be able to believe for something better, but many are just too afraid of losing their sole source of support. I know; I've been there before. I might have stayed in my first marriage if I didn't have a safe place to escape to with my mother, and my first marriage was not a safe place for me to be in.

Another friend is very active in the Seattle arts community. I would employ her to reach out in creative ways to help raise money for the community. She could organize concerts to benefit the local children's hospital, conduct charity auctions to distribute the work of local artists, and plan dance/dinner parties.

One of the most important improvements needed in Seattle, in my humble opinion, is public restrooms. I know it's difficult, and expensive, to avail the public of sanitary restrooms, but it would really go a long way in helping to promote tourism in our city. Transients tend to take advantage of them, and it's remarkably sad how little people clean up after themselves, but free public restrooms in a few strategic areas of the city would really go a long way toward servicing our visitors.

The key to managing a billion dollars is not to spend it all trying to take care of everyone myself but to use the money as a tool for getting other people involved in contributing to the causes they believe in. Fund raisers are essential. Even if I could fork over the cash to pay for all the improvements on my own, it wouldn't do a whole lot of good. People take pride in what they contribute to, what they help to get accomplished. I wouldn't want to rob other people of that sense of satisfaction you get knowing you did something to help make a difference. 

Day Forty-seven

There will be no blog posts for the next three days. I'm going on a spiritual retreat; I won't have any internet or cell phone service. Once I get my spiritual life lined up straight, my circumstances will fall in line. I will be capable of having and doing anything I'm truly passionate about experiencing in my reality. My relationships will flourish because I'm an awesome person who makes it my mission to cause other people to feel good about themselves. My finances will flourish because I long to share my talents and insights in ways that add significant value to the lives of others. My time will be well spent because I will be able to enjoy my life from the inside out; my joy and peace will be infectious to all those who are around me, and I will overflow with abundant love and compassion for those who are hurting and in need of someone who understands.

Day Forty-six

Another day has been lost. It's bound to happen from time to time. My girls are with me for the weekend, so my laptop tends to get monopolized. How am I ever going to make a billion dollars if my goals are aimed at minimum-wage jobs? Honestly, I don't know of anyone who's managed to become extraordinarily successful by working for someone else. I need to find a way to become the master of my own destiny. If I can offer the world a smidgen of the hope and encouragement it so desperately needs, then I will be successful beyond my wildest dreams. 

Day Forty-five

My first poetry book is finished. I have it printed as a PDF. Now, I just have to figure out how to get an ISBN for it so I can sell it on Amazon. I'm so excited. One down, three more to go. Then I can move on to organizing my three other files of poems. Once I get my books online, I can start doing poetry readings on my YouTube channel. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my website too and get it to go live by the end of the summer. Everything is finally beginning to fall into place.

Day Forty-four

If I'm ever going to be a billionaire, I need to learn to be my own advocate. I can't let anyone else push me around, control me, or cause me to live in fear. 

Day Forty-three

Every once in a while a great idea comes along that changes everything. Usually, however, it's the incremental changes we make each day that compose the biggest differences. I let myself off the hook today. I was tired, sore, and foggy headed, so I slept in. I allowed myself to not be on top of things because I had a few high-priority errands, which took precedence over my other daily chores.

My daughter came over for dinner tonight with her boyfriend. We cooked, ate, and played games all evening. It was an awesome time. Tomorrow, my boyfriend is flying to Brazil, so spending time with him before he leaves will supplant all else. However, once he leaves, I'll have nothing else to do all week but get work done. I'll have plenty of time; I just need to make the most of it.

Day Forty-two

Even though I want to focus on my writing at the moment, it would be good for me to have at least a part-time job to help cover expenses while I get my new business venture off the ground. I've put out several applications, but haven't done much to follow up on them just yet. I received a phone call from one of the places, but I felt very reluctant to call them back. It was a dread I can't quite articulate, as though working there would produce in me just as much anxiety as I had experienced at my last job. Today, I received a voicemail from another company about an open position, and I felt really excited about it. I'm going to call there tomorrow to schedule an interview. Sometimes, it's not always best to go with the first opportunity that comes along.

Day Forty-one

Baby steps. I don't expect to reach a billion dollars one dollar at a time. That would take forever. What I do expect to increase incrementally is my mind set. I need to prepare myself mentally to be able to receive a billion dollars and to be able to be a good steward of it. I'm responsible with the amount of money I have available to me now, but a billion dollars is a completely different level of responsibility.

Wrestling with personal and societal expectations is what I'm dealing with currently. Do I seek out another dead end, part-time, minimum wage job? I don't want to be limited to that type of employment for the rest of my life, so why should I go seeking it now? It's important to be able to meet my expenses. I know I'm taking a huge risk, hoping to support myself financially by selling poetry books and paintings. But if I want to achieve something I've never had, I need to be willing to do something I've never done.

Day Forty

If you want to run, run the right direction, toward your fears instead of away from them. Everyone wants to avoid pain; it’s the main driving force of human behavior. Becoming a billionaire, however, requires a willingness to go through that which most others would run away from.  Running away from your fears doesn’t require anything unique or special.

If you’re willing to run toward your fears, you’ll soon realize they have no substance. Your fears are merely the illusions your mind has convinced you are real. As you run toward them, they vaporize like the mist they are, and, as they dissolve, your path becomes unobstructed and you become free to receive the reward of the rare and heroic champion you are destined to be.

I’m clinging to the hope that my fears have no power over me. I’m reaching out, stepping out of my comfort zone, and taking a chance I normally would be too frightened to conceive of risking. I’ve suffered immense rejection. It’s not fun. Rejection is the core fear I’ve struggled with my entire life. And yet, as fate would have it, rejection is an inevitable reality I must endure if I am to become a published writer. I have to put myself out there for others to criticize and judge if there is to be any way for my writing to benefit anyone other than myself.

Is it frightening? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Day Thirty-nine

No such luck, I'm posting from the phone again. Limitations foil me, but I strike back deliberately, mocking the insanity at the core of my humanity. I really wish it were as cool, and as profitable, to be a poet as it is to be a computer programmer. If you don't know computers, what use does society have for you? I don't entertain or amuse; I write prose and interfuse obsession with profound ideas. I don't know why, but that's how it is.

Day Thirty-eight

Traveling to CA took everything out of me, and I have no wifi. I'll  have to hit Starbucks tomorrow.
 

Day Thirty-seven

Life is circular. Every time I try to run away from my problems, I end up right back where I started.  There is no escaping them. I can either learn from my mistakes and spiral upward, or, I can get caught up in a flurry of frustration and obstinate determination and get sucked into a downward spiral. 

Lately, I’ve been horribly sick. I caught a flu virus just as I was transitioning from working two part-time jobs while going to school to only working one job full-time. The resulting panic I felt from not getting enough hours and not being able to do a good enough job due to my illness made me even more sick. The worse I felt physically, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I became, the worse I felt physically. Giving myself permission to fail at work was the only way to pull out of this vicious cycle. Now, I finally have hope for improvement.

Day Thirty-six

Fear may try closing in on every side of me, but I don't have to allow my light to be overcome by the darkness of doubt or insecurity. I've heard FEAR is an acronym for Forgetting Everything's All Right. There are some times when I need more reminders than at others, everything is all right.

Nothing is wrong. Everything I have experienced up until now was preparation for where I am now. Where I am now is the launching point for what lies ahead. I've had horrific experiences before, but I'm still breathing. There may be more difficulties in my future, but I'll survive them too.

I may not have much at the moment, but I'm faithful with what I do have. Therefore, I know I will be faithful over much once much is entrusted to me. I might not be where I want to be yet, but I am on my way, and I am determined to enjoy the journey.

Day Thirty-five

Do it afraid. Last night, I received professional confirmation that all of my recent physical infirmities are a result of nothing more than stress and anxiety.  My stomach has been upset ad nauseam; my blood pressure plummeted to a mere 76 over 60, which is barely not dead, and vertigo sent my head reeling into an inescapable state of dizziness and light-headedness, exacerbating my already debilitating illness.

After four hours in the hospital, undergoing every type of test imaginable, the answer came back that I am perfectly healthy with no physical cause for my physical discomfort. At first, I felt completely hopeless. They were sending me home with no real answers, just an anti-nausea prescription and a list of resources to find psychiatric counseling. I was a bit perturbed.

It was a tad unrealistic of me to expect the doctor to come in and say, “This is what’s wrong with you. Here’s a medication that will make all of your horrible, sick feelings go away;” but, of course, that is what I wanted. What I did not want to do was accept the hard facts of my reality and choose to pursue a new life for myself in spite of the obstacles I perceive to be preventing me from succeeding.

The obstacles: I owe child support, I have to contribute to my own well-being (ie. food, gas, phone bill, student loans, and, most recently, what I foresee to be a huge medical bill), and I’m just a f*cking loser. Why would anyone ever want to listen to me or care about what I have to say?

I’ve had a blog for five years now.  I have 9 followers, and, yes, one of them is my mother. I have a facebook page with a whole 46 likes. How am I ever going to become a published author/poet and actually have enough people purchasing my books to survive, let alone be successful?

Going to work at my minimum-wage job was killing me.  I was having such massive panic and anxiety attacks that I had to leave early on several occasions, which wasn’t good for me or for them; my managers had to continually find someone else to cover my shifts. I knew I needed to leave, to strike out on my own and seek my fortune, pursue my future with all of my being, but I couldn’t do it. Working for less than $10 per hour is not a huge incentive, but when it’s all you have….

I wasn’t willing to let go of the little bit I had coming in because at least it was something. It was more than I would have without it. I couldn’t just up and quit. What the heck was I going to do instead? No one else is going to meet my financial obligations for me. I don’t exactly have thousands of dollars saved up to get me through this transition, or a rich relative to back me. I’m on my own here; and yet, I’m not on my own at all.

Day Thirty-four

He believes in me; I can believe in me too. Ask, believe, and receive. It took a lot for me to get over myself enough to ask for a billion dollars. It's gonna take a lot more for me to believe in myself enough to be able to receive a billion dollars. Not only is there a huge practicality barrier, there's also the obstacle of personal worth and value to break through.

What will be required of me to earn a billion dollars? There is no way I could ever work hard enough, long enough, for me to earn a billion dollars. Let's face it, that's a lot of money when you only make $9.52 per hour. I would have to live forever to earn a billion dollars at that rate. My goal here is not to earn a billion dollars; it's to be willing and able to receive a billion dollars when, or if, it's given to me.

A gift is something someone receives free of charge. Sure, there are people in my life, and you probably know some like this as well, who only give gifts with strings attached. They give you something fully expecting something in return. But the universe doesn't operate that way.

Life is on my side. Goodness is for me. Love wants me to succeed, wants to bless me, and wants to make me a blessing to others. I just have to be willing to crawl out of my dark hiding place long enough for Light to shine through me. Once I do, I will never be the same again. I will be unlimited and unstoppable. A billion dollars will be nothing because I will have more abundance than my physical humanity can contain. I will be bursting at the seams, over-flowing with hope and joy and mercy and compassion.

Day Thirty-three

Write already. Since I was six years old, I've wanted to be a writer. I was a really horrible writer when I was six, morbid too, but thank God, I have improved since then. Seriously, when I was six, I wrote a story about three little girls who all committed suicide together by holding their breath until they died so they could be together for eternity in this little pink, blue, and purple house. I highly don't recommend it.

These days, I still want to be a writer. Between then and now, nothing has changed and everything has changed. I've dodged my natural impulses to write, and I've embraced them. I've packed pens and notebooks around with me at all times, in all places. I've scribbled silly and meaningless words onto pages in a random and haphazard fashion. When I look back, I find my silly sayings may not be quite so meaningless after all. Maybe they hold tremendous meaning and value, not just for myself but for others as well.

I've hidden my desire to write behind having babies and behind needing to work to support those babies as they've grown into beautiful young women. Now, I have a limited amount of time and energy to spend writing. But I do have some. There is time if I'll take it. I just need to discipline myself enough to actually write. Not to sit with my laptop browsing yahoo and facebook, but to write. If I can commit myself to doing the work, I will receive the reward for my work and my efforts.

Day Thirty-two

Oops. I missed a day. I don't know how that happened. I've set posting to this blog every day as my highest priority, even on the days I was so sick I could barely get off the couch. The days are all blurring together on me, and time is getting away from me, lost in a foggy haze of pain and illness.

Yesterday, at least I think it was yesterday, I did go online and research some debtors anonymous 12-step recovery groups. Yes, there is such a thing, and, yes, I definitely do recommend joining one if you have any type of problem with over-spending or under-earning. I didn't even know they existed until a lady I know from another recovery program told me about them earlier this past week.

Hopefully, working through the steps of recovery will help remove the psychological barriers I have regarding money so I can finally break free of my financial suppression and begin living up to my earning potential. There's so much latent ability locked away inside of me. I know I will simply explode with awesome accomplishments once I establish an ability to believe in my own self-worth.

Day Thirty-one

There will come a day when I am no longer physically ill. I will be able to focus whole-heartedly on my work and on my life. Today is not that day. I pray for peace and serenity over the sickness I cannot heal, and I pray for the wisdom I need to pursue those who will be able to help me become well again.

Day Thirty

One month down, and I've exposed some very significant weaknesses in my personal belief system. Everyone in this country has the potential to earn a billion dollars. It begins with a single idea, requires a lot of hard work, and thrusts the individual into a worldview he or she has never before imagined.

So, if anyone can earn a billion dollars, why doesn't everyone do so? Is it just not worth the effort? Does it demand too many sacrifices of time and energy? Does having too much money ruin relationships or cause good people to become greedy monsters? Is there such a thing as having too much money? Maybe most people have psychic blocks like I do. Maybe we're all under-earners because we're simply too scared to shine, too scarred to take the risk, or too stuck in our familiar comfort zones to venture forth into new directions.

There have been many times where I've wanted to be invisible, to sit at the edge of the room until I blended in with the wallpaper. But I was born to stand out. I'm tall and thin with dark hair and big blue eyes; I know I stand out. I'm not a part of the heard. I've never fit in. I'm eccentric, unusual, and extraordinary. Admitting to my own weirdness is certainly a step in the right direction. My sister once told me, "You have to be rich to be eccentric; you're just weird." It won't be long before I'm weird, eccentric, and rich. I won't forsake one for the other.

Day Twenty-nine

Transitioning from a minimum-wage worker to a billionaire is the most difficult process I've ever undertaken. I've never before noticed all of the limiting mental strongholds buried deep in my subconscious. Changing requires giving up the old before taking ahold of the new. There's familiarity with where I am and with how much I will allow myself to have. Letting go of my current situation, though it leads to my desired outcome, is the most frightening prospect my psyche has yet to experience.

Not only do I have no idea how I'm going to make a billion dollars, I also have obligations and responsibilities for the income I currently have. My expenses aren't going to go away while I focus on doing whatever it takes to make something of myself. If I knew what the next step was going to be, maybe I wouldn't be so scared. If it didn't require letting go and stepping out on nothing but faith, then my mind and body might be more inclined to cooperate. If I had a billion dollar idea, or even a possible new career path, I would confidently pursue it. Or would I? Would I still be too afraid?

If I had simply won the lottery or inherited a huge sum from a random rich stranger unexpectedly, it might not bother me so much. The thought of turning my world view up-side-down in order to radically change what I expect from myself and from others is the real test. It's the forethought of becoming a completely new person that freaks me out so much. Having a billion dollars is no big deal, especially since I don't even know what I'll do with it when I get it. It's the process of allowing my thoughts and expectations to expand to such an extremely different mode of existence that issues the challenge. Repositioning myself from fear to faith is the first, and the worst, obstacle for me to overcome.

Day Twenty-eight

Everything inside of me wants to shut down right now and curl up into a dark corner to hide for the next three days. I get this way every month, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now. And yet, I don't think anyone could ever get used to such an intense feeling in the chest, like I'm simply going to burst open at any moment.  I want to run away and cry for a few hours, but I have to go to work soon.

I'm trying to change my mentality, to think of myself as already having a billion dollars. But when I see the money in my checking account quickly diminishing, mostly due to investing in the lives of my four children, it's hard for me to not get desperate and panicky. The little bit of money I have is draining away faster than I can replace it, I'd better do something quick before I run out completely.

My old way of thinking, however, has proved to not be helpful. The more tightly I attempt to grasp my cash, the more quickly it slips away. When I choose to relax and allow more money to flow to me and through me, believing there is an endless supply and knowing my needs will all be covered as they arrive, not only do I feel much better and more empowered, I also fare much better and meet with more success than I ever would have otherwise. Give and it shall be given to you. Celebrate life, and there will always be more in your life to enjoy.

Day Twenty-seven

It's time to get this party started. The millionaire mind is thinking too small. The world is bursting with abundance and opportunity. It's just waiting for me to embrace my potential, to live without limits, and to accept all of the goodness and blessings stored up for me. I can sit around and wait for riches to fall upon me, or I can be assertive, take responsibility for my life,  and move forward in the direction of my destiny. Everything I have experienced up to this point has been to prepare me for what lies ahead. There are no obstacles along the path of divine guidance. 

Day Twenty-six

Time is getting away from me today. I have the day off. It's so nice. It's a beautiful, relaxing day. The weather is hot and dry. The breeze blowing through the houseboat off the lake is cool and refreshing. I couldn't be happier or more content.

If I had a billion dollars already, I can't think of a single thing about my life I would want to change. My boyfriend is awesome. My girls all love me, not as much as I love them of course, but they are all smart and strong and establishing good lives for themselves. I would go back to working part-time at the store, but aside from my long hours, I really do love my job.

A platform is what I need. Saying I want to help people is too broad of an aspiration. I need something specific; I need a cause. I don't need a billion dollars until I have a cause to pour it into. Some people are passionate about helping the elderly, benefiting cancer research, or teaching underprivileged kids. I don't really feel passionate about anything in particular. I just want to love people. Maybe that's enough.

Day Twenty-five

My songwriters' meeting last night was amazing. The guys there made me feel like I have some real lyrical talent. They were very appreciative of my advice and fine-tuning contributions. I know I will win a Grammy one day for the best new song. I have no idea who will sing it. I can tell ya it certainly won't be me. I'm no diva.

Last night, I also realized how much I was trying to control the process. I asked for a billion dollars. I'm believing for a billion dollars. I'm willing to receive a billion dollars. However, I have to let go of the process. I don't get to decide when or how it will come to me. I'm just going to remain open to however the universe decides to work in my life. If I focus on doing the best I can with what I have, the passion I stir up inside of me will cause all of the other pieces to fall into place.

Day Twenty-four

Today was supposed to be my day to record my song, add it to my PowerPoint presentation, and get it posted to YouTube followed by a fun afternoon swimming with my girls. Instead, I spent all day dealing with drama over my ex not letting my girls come over to see me. However, my eighteen-year-old daughter did come over with her boyfriend, and we got to visit for a while. It was really nice to hang out with them for a bit. Count your blessings and focus on what you do have, not what you don't have, right?

The day isn't over yet, so I'm going to see how productive I can get with the next few hours.

Day Twenty-three

Choose to succeed. Really? After ten years of struggling to get by on my own, ten years of going to school, trying to get good enough at something, anything, to make myself worthy of success, after ten years of not being able to pay rent, not being able to hold a steady job, not being able to maintain a decent relationship, now, the advice is choose to succeed. Is it really just that easy? Have I really been a complete failure all of these years as a matter of choice?

I want to blame my personality. I am friendly, pleasant, and kind, but I'm far from being a people person. In order to be a success, you need people to like you. I'm very quiet and soft-spoken. I'm reserved and difficult to get to know. I'm anything but the life of the party. People don't clamor to have me around. Usually, my presence is hardly even noticed.

I want to blame my physical limitations. I'm not handicapped or disabled; I just get sick easily, and I'm typically often tired and run down. To be successful, you need to have a lot energy. If you're the one who's able to run laps around the other guy, to get more done with each hour spent working,  and to produce faster visible results, then you will succeed. I'm slow - at everything. It takes me the better part of an hour just to clean the bathroom. I'm not able to do a whole lot, and I often struggle to accomplish much with the time and energy that I do have.

I want to blame my abilities, or lack thereof. I can do anything I set my mind to. I can draw, paint, sing, and write poetry. I can do inverse functions and linear equations. I can cook. I can design architectural structures. I can figure out how to do just about anything with a pencil, a piece of paper, and a good textbook on the subject. I just don't do anything well enough to actually get paid for it. It's like, I have all of this latent potential, gifts scattered every which direction, but no ability to focus on one thing long enough to get any real results.

So what do I do instead? If I don't blame or make excuses, if I don't quit and give up, if I take responsibility for my life, for what I want to actually do with it, then what will that look like? I want to choose success. Trust me; there's no shame in being a loser, but it really sucks. So where do I start? What do I need that I don't already have? What does success even look like to me anyway?