Day Sixty-two

Those who have been hurt much love much because they don't want anyone else to suffer, or, they don't love at all because they want everyone else to suffer. It's up to the individual to decide which direction to go. Only the former will make them happy. The latter will make them miserable. Some people want to be miserable. I am not one of those people. I want the pain to stop. I know money won't make me happy like some wonder drug, but maybe I would be able to quit feeling so bad about myself all the time if I could do more to help other people.

Day Sixty-one

Every day is another chance to begin again, to start over with a clean slate, to decide what you want your day to hold, to work toward becoming the person you were meant to be. Just as every seed holds the intention of becoming a certain type of plant, so every embryo holds the potential of becoming a certain type of person. However, unlike a plant, we get to choose what type of person we will become.

There may be factors outside of our control: our height, our gender (though this one's changing), the color of our skin. But who we are on the inside is completely up to us. I choose to be a billionaire on the inside, even if it never manifests on the outside. I choose to be kind, warm, loving, and generous. Showing forgiveness instead of holding a grudge, showing mercy instead of pronouncing blame or judgment, and showing concern instead of inflating one's own ego are all priceless beyond words.

Day Sixty

I'm wasting away. I've become isolated and disconnected from the world. The only extension of my self is on the other end of my keyboard. I need to learn how to change that, how to incorporate other people into my life on a daily basis. Opportunity doesn't knock. It won't come looking for me; I have to go out and seek my fortune. I have to take the initiative. Opportunities present themselves in connection with other people. I need to start giving people a chance to influence my life instead of remaining closed up inside of my bubble.

Day Fifty-nine

Connection. What does money have to do with my ability to connect with other people? I keep telling myself I would be able to go out and do things with people if only I had a job and a steady source of income. When you're broke, every decision to drive somewhere to meet up with someone needs to be weighed against having enough gas for everything else. It's horribly depressing and frustrating.

However, it doesn't cost anything to make a phone call. I have hundreds of unused minutes on my cell phone plan each month. It's free to go for a walk, and I can walk to several local destinations. Maybe my lack of finances has nothing to do with my reclusive behavior. Maybe it's just a convenient excuse. Maybe if I was brave enough to connect with other people, I wouldn't have such a lack of financial stability. Maybe it's a cycle of fears and insecurities reinforcing each other.

Day Fifty-eight

Yesterday was terrible. I was horribly depressed all day. My head was in a fog. I couldn't see clearly or think clearly or hold two positive thoughts together consecutively. There was no way I could write. I didn't realize I hadn't posted the day before either. My boyfriend was having an off day and worked from home, so I was a bit distracted then as well.

There are many times I'm tempted to give up on this blog. No one reads it anyway. It's not doing any good for anyone. What's the point? It might be true; it might not do anyone else any good at the moment. However, I do believe it's doing me a great deal of good. It's teaching me experientially to be more disciplined and self-controlled. I'm constantly starting projects and then not following through on them. Continuing this blog is good practice for me, even if I don't end up earning a billion dollars with my contributions. But who knows, maybe I will someday if I keep at it and don't give up.

Day Fifty-seven

The wealthiest man to ever live said his riches were meaningless, a chasing after the wind. More is never enough. An insatiable longing remains regardless of the amount of money acquired. My point in asking the universe for a billion dollars is not an attempt to obtain more. I already have everything I need. I just don't feel like I have everything I need.

There is a rationale in the back of my mind whispering negative comments to me. It tries to convince me I'm not enough, that I don't have enough, to be a blessing to other people where I am. My hands feel tied because I lack the financial resources to support my own children let alone random strangers. A lie continually feeds my subconscious the line: "I will do better when..." when I know there is no time other than the present to do better with the resources of time and energy I do have. Now!

Day Fifty-six

Never give up. Even when it feels like you're trekking all uphill and like nothing you're doing is making any kind of a difference anyway, keep working toward the goals you have for yourself. You never know when you'll reach the tipping point. There is a magical, mysterious place when all of your efforts pay off with rewards beyond your wildest imagination if you'll just continue persistently pursuing the path of your destiny. Even if I never arrive at the destination I am seeking, I will press toward my destination with the firm belief that the journey is its own reward.