Day Twenty-nine

Transitioning from a minimum-wage worker to a billionaire is the most difficult process I've ever undertaken. I've never before noticed all of the limiting mental strongholds buried deep in my subconscious. Changing requires giving up the old before taking ahold of the new. There's familiarity with where I am and with how much I will allow myself to have. Letting go of my current situation, though it leads to my desired outcome, is the most frightening prospect my psyche has yet to experience.

Not only do I have no idea how I'm going to make a billion dollars, I also have obligations and responsibilities for the income I currently have. My expenses aren't going to go away while I focus on doing whatever it takes to make something of myself. If I knew what the next step was going to be, maybe I wouldn't be so scared. If it didn't require letting go and stepping out on nothing but faith, then my mind and body might be more inclined to cooperate. If I had a billion dollar idea, or even a possible new career path, I would confidently pursue it. Or would I? Would I still be too afraid?

If I had simply won the lottery or inherited a huge sum from a random rich stranger unexpectedly, it might not bother me so much. The thought of turning my world view up-side-down in order to radically change what I expect from myself and from others is the real test. It's the forethought of becoming a completely new person that freaks me out so much. Having a billion dollars is no big deal, especially since I don't even know what I'll do with it when I get it. It's the process of allowing my thoughts and expectations to expand to such an extremely different mode of existence that issues the challenge. Repositioning myself from fear to faith is the first, and the worst, obstacle for me to overcome.

Day Twenty-eight

Everything inside of me wants to shut down right now and curl up into a dark corner to hide for the next three days. I get this way every month, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now. And yet, I don't think anyone could ever get used to such an intense feeling in the chest, like I'm simply going to burst open at any moment.  I want to run away and cry for a few hours, but I have to go to work soon.

I'm trying to change my mentality, to think of myself as already having a billion dollars. But when I see the money in my checking account quickly diminishing, mostly due to investing in the lives of my four children, it's hard for me to not get desperate and panicky. The little bit of money I have is draining away faster than I can replace it, I'd better do something quick before I run out completely.

My old way of thinking, however, has proved to not be helpful. The more tightly I attempt to grasp my cash, the more quickly it slips away. When I choose to relax and allow more money to flow to me and through me, believing there is an endless supply and knowing my needs will all be covered as they arrive, not only do I feel much better and more empowered, I also fare much better and meet with more success than I ever would have otherwise. Give and it shall be given to you. Celebrate life, and there will always be more in your life to enjoy.

Day Twenty-seven

It's time to get this party started. The millionaire mind is thinking too small. The world is bursting with abundance and opportunity. It's just waiting for me to embrace my potential, to live without limits, and to accept all of the goodness and blessings stored up for me. I can sit around and wait for riches to fall upon me, or I can be assertive, take responsibility for my life,  and move forward in the direction of my destiny. Everything I have experienced up to this point has been to prepare me for what lies ahead. There are no obstacles along the path of divine guidance. 

Day Twenty-six

Time is getting away from me today. I have the day off. It's so nice. It's a beautiful, relaxing day. The weather is hot and dry. The breeze blowing through the houseboat off the lake is cool and refreshing. I couldn't be happier or more content.

If I had a billion dollars already, I can't think of a single thing about my life I would want to change. My boyfriend is awesome. My girls all love me, not as much as I love them of course, but they are all smart and strong and establishing good lives for themselves. I would go back to working part-time at the store, but aside from my long hours, I really do love my job.

A platform is what I need. Saying I want to help people is too broad of an aspiration. I need something specific; I need a cause. I don't need a billion dollars until I have a cause to pour it into. Some people are passionate about helping the elderly, benefiting cancer research, or teaching underprivileged kids. I don't really feel passionate about anything in particular. I just want to love people. Maybe that's enough.

Day Twenty-five

My songwriters' meeting last night was amazing. The guys there made me feel like I have some real lyrical talent. They were very appreciative of my advice and fine-tuning contributions. I know I will win a Grammy one day for the best new song. I have no idea who will sing it. I can tell ya it certainly won't be me. I'm no diva.

Last night, I also realized how much I was trying to control the process. I asked for a billion dollars. I'm believing for a billion dollars. I'm willing to receive a billion dollars. However, I have to let go of the process. I don't get to decide when or how it will come to me. I'm just going to remain open to however the universe decides to work in my life. If I focus on doing the best I can with what I have, the passion I stir up inside of me will cause all of the other pieces to fall into place.

Day Twenty-four

Today was supposed to be my day to record my song, add it to my PowerPoint presentation, and get it posted to YouTube followed by a fun afternoon swimming with my girls. Instead, I spent all day dealing with drama over my ex not letting my girls come over to see me. However, my eighteen-year-old daughter did come over with her boyfriend, and we got to visit for a while. It was really nice to hang out with them for a bit. Count your blessings and focus on what you do have, not what you don't have, right?

The day isn't over yet, so I'm going to see how productive I can get with the next few hours.

Day Twenty-three

Choose to succeed. Really? After ten years of struggling to get by on my own, ten years of going to school, trying to get good enough at something, anything, to make myself worthy of success, after ten years of not being able to pay rent, not being able to hold a steady job, not being able to maintain a decent relationship, now, the advice is choose to succeed. Is it really just that easy? Have I really been a complete failure all of these years as a matter of choice?

I want to blame my personality. I am friendly, pleasant, and kind, but I'm far from being a people person. In order to be a success, you need people to like you. I'm very quiet and soft-spoken. I'm reserved and difficult to get to know. I'm anything but the life of the party. People don't clamor to have me around. Usually, my presence is hardly even noticed.

I want to blame my physical limitations. I'm not handicapped or disabled; I just get sick easily, and I'm typically often tired and run down. To be successful, you need to have a lot energy. If you're the one who's able to run laps around the other guy, to get more done with each hour spent working,  and to produce faster visible results, then you will succeed. I'm slow - at everything. It takes me the better part of an hour just to clean the bathroom. I'm not able to do a whole lot, and I often struggle to accomplish much with the time and energy that I do have.

I want to blame my abilities, or lack thereof. I can do anything I set my mind to. I can draw, paint, sing, and write poetry. I can do inverse functions and linear equations. I can cook. I can design architectural structures. I can figure out how to do just about anything with a pencil, a piece of paper, and a good textbook on the subject. I just don't do anything well enough to actually get paid for it. It's like, I have all of this latent potential, gifts scattered every which direction, but no ability to focus on one thing long enough to get any real results.

So what do I do instead? If I don't blame or make excuses, if I don't quit and give up, if I take responsibility for my life, for what I want to actually do with it, then what will that look like? I want to choose success. Trust me; there's no shame in being a loser, but it really sucks. So where do I start? What do I need that I don't already have? What does success even look like to me anyway?