Day Sixty-nine

If I could go back and start over, knowing then what I know now, I would do it in a heartbeat. But guess what? I don't have to go back. I get to start over again every morning. Each day is a brand new chance for me to start over knowing now what I know now, and I get to keep learning so I know even more each morning than I did the day before. I certainly wouldn't want to go back needing to re-learn what I've already learned the hard way; going through those lessons once was enough. Now, I get to move on into new lessons, and they get to be as fun or as challenging as I choose to perceive them to be.

Day Sixty-eight

Money is a mental construct. I have exactly as much money as I think I deserve, which is nothing, or at least, nearly nothing. I'm tired of believing I don't deserve anything more than barely scraping by. I used to blame God for my circumstances. I thought He promised to take care of me, but He's not obligated to give me anything more than I absolutely need. The truth is, God wants to give me overflowing abundance; I just need to be willing to be responsible for taking care of it, managing it, and stewarding it to the best of my ability. The only limitations to my financial abundance are my own limiting beliefs about what money is and about how much of it I deserve to have.

Day Sixty-seven

There's a hidden talent I hold to my chest. It's not anything special; it's only my best. I give the little tiny bit, the one small piece I have, but when holiness blesses it, I get much more back. When I leave my hiding place and let my presence shine, my contribution's multiplied and is no longer mine. The universe leaks life into my simple, humble seed; abundance flows forth from the sprout to meet my every need. The billion dollars I receive fails even to compare with all the riches I perceive through the lens of love I share.  

Day Sixty-six

It's got to make a mother proud, but it also makes me feel like a total schmuck at the same time. All four of my girls are working now. The eldest is at a grocery store. The next has two retail jobs and just put in her two weeks notice at a fast food chain. My third daughter has signed with a modeling agency; she is incredibly beautiful and photogenic. Even my twelve-year-old is getting paid to walk the neighbor's dog. And here I am, sick and unemployed. Better things lay ahead, but my patience is really wearing thin.

Day Sixty-five

A major paradigm shift has me focusing all of my attention on the gratitude I feel for everything I already have. I love my boyfriend so much, and I have four awesome daughters who are smart, sweet, and beautiful. What more could a woman want than to have the love and respect of her family? A billion dollars, that's what. I'll get there. Everything's starting to fall into place, and I'm enjoying every step of the journey along the way.

Day Sixty-four

I'm afraid to have money and financial success. It seems to me like "the more money we come across, the more problems we see," to quote an old '90s song. The more my earning increases, the more my expenses increase right along with it. The more money I have, the more other people expect of me, and I can't live up to their expectations now.

I keep sabotaging my own success every time I begin to make something of myself because I start to panic. When I have enough income to meet all of my needs and expenses, I freak out. I feel like something has gone horribly wrong because I'm actually doing a good job, but it's not good enough by my standards. I'm better off doing nothing than to make a complete fool of myself by trying to actually get somewhere in life.

This type of an attitude is bound to keep me stuck. I'm familiar with poverty. I pride myself on being able to get by on nothing. A poor, miserable failure is my personal identity. Who would I be if I had money? Would I be like the selfish, rich snobs I see on TV? Would I be shallow and vain like most celebrities seem to be? Or would I actually be able to make a positive difference in the world by extending hope and resources to those who are hurting? My preference would be the latter. I just need to be able to convince my mind that it's okay for me to be a billionaire.

Day Sixty-three

"Money makes you more of what you are," Anthony Robbins said in an interview I saw on YouTube today. If his statement is true, what does that make me? As I grow and increase financially, how will my character be magnified? Will I be more fearful, or will I be more loving? Will I be more selfish, or will I be more generous? When I last had an income, I bought clothes for myself and for my children. However, I also bought gifts and meals for others, sometimes anonymously. I often found myself regretting purchases I made for myself, but I've never regretted spending money on other people. Be careful; if you get around me, you're gonna get blessed.